Tonight

Tonight, I should be writing about the happenings and adventures our family has been up to. Like the tree incident(long story) and spring break fun. But, tonight, I'm on a mission to write instead of feeling sorry for myself. It's been one of those days today. The kind that makes it to hard breathe. I kept Em home from school today, her asthma symptoms concerned me enough to keep an eye on her. The air environment has not been good for her asthma, we have some inflammation going on. She wasn't too sick, which meant I was in for a long day. The typical draining behavior was around, but for some reason it seemed to drain me more than usual. I was not the most patient mother.

Tonight, my mom called to check up on me and the tears that built up all day were starting to give my emotions away. She came to my rescue by taking me out for some dessert. I was feeling better, the suffocating feeling was going away. My hopes of starting over with a brand new day were soon smashed when Jeff told me Emma had thrown up while I was gone. If I could only explain the journey this kind of news takes my brain on. There can be so many reasons behind this with Em, most could easily land her in the hospital. Right now, my biggest concern is pneumonia. We recently caught an early onset in her, so recurrence is always a concern. She's had the flare up with her asthma the last 2 weeks which sometimes predisposes her to pneumonia. She also had a wacky diabetes day 2 days ago which can be a "sign" that something is coming. It could also be nothing but a stomach bug, still that can be scary with the diabetes and her nissen. Her very high blood sugar could also be the culprit, time will tell.

Tonight, I'm rolling in guilt. I keep snuggling up to her, whispering sorry. Sorry that I wasn't stronger today, you must have felt crappy all day. Nights like tonight are when it can get really hard. The traumatized part of my brain switches on like a light switch. The emotional roller coaster it takes me on, combined with the reality that it is really draining taking care of her all day long, results in a lot of emotional vomit that will require lots of tissue and sniffling.

Tonight has turned into tomorrow. Constantly adjusting Em's sleeping positions for better air movement, tickling her back when she seems restless, giving her a breathing treatment, checking her blood sugar and oxygen sats, and changing her pump site means it's taken me hours to write this. I'm probably not going to sleep much.

Tonight I'm reminded again of how precious she is to me and it makes all the drama seem insignificant.