I feel like sharing

Since this blog has become a way for me to get some relief from feelings that haunt me, I feel like sharing this today.  

Last night, in an attempt to get rid of a really bad headache, I decided to relax after the girls went to bed.  My version of this is soaking with bubbles and watching a girlie show.  After looking at all of the movies in "my" section I came across Steel Magnolias.  I haven't watched this show since Emma was diagnosed with Diabetes, honestly I have avoided it like the plague.  Almost losing Emma, more than once, I have been left with deep scars.  Watching a show where dying is associated with Diabetes is probably not good as far as healing goes.  Last night, for some reason, I felt like I was strong enough to watch it.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

It really is a good show and I forgot how much I love the women in it.  It's good enough to make you laugh and cry.  I remember crying during this show when I was like 13.  Last night, however, I was reminded again how much my life has changed.  It wasn't just a movie to me, it captures the fear and reality of our life.  There is a scene when Shelby(Julia Roberts) had an episode of low blood sugar, I was uncomfortable with the familiarity of it all.  It was sort of like an out of body experience.  It's funny how we understand things better after we live it.  In the same scene(at the beauty shop) Shelby expresses her dream of growing old with someone.  Her mother M'lynn(Sally Field) gets a look on her face that, without words, tells so much.  It can be very hard being a mother because we just "know" things sometimes.  In the movie, she knew her daughter probably would not grow old.  It was heartwrenching to watch, and at the same time it was my life.  I have a hard time expressing the way I feel about this.  A friend, who is also raising a child with disabilities, recently described it to me in a way that made a lot of sense.  She said that losing our special children is a reality we face on a daily basis.  This reality hurts, a lot.  It messes with me and I have a hard time finding the right balance.  It scares me and I need to work on that.  I am trying to focus on the things I need to focus on.  Every day is spent filling a special place in my heart with memories and good times.  I think it is the reason we take a lot of trips, whether we really have the money or not.  I want to experience so many things as a family.  In a way I'm grateful that I know how much my family means to me. 

I held it together until the end of the movie, when Shelby passes away.  The tears started coming and before long I wasn't crying because of a sad movie anymore.  I was crying my own tears, fear and pain were pouring out of me.  When this happens, I usually go and hold Emma(it usually hits at night).  Last night, I felt prompted to go to the church disability website and found the stength I needed to be okay.  This is a quote by James E. Faust, I love it.    

“As we live on earth we must walk in faith, nothing doubting. When the journey becomes seemingly unbearable, we can take comfort in the word of the Lord: ‘I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold I will heal thee’ (2 Kings 20:5). Some of the healing may take place in another world. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord.”

 

Lisa